The Law Of Large Numbers
by Plesiosaur
Summary: Another real world Bubbline AU! With seven billion people on the planet million-to-one chances actually happen every day. And for Bonnibel the million-to-one out-of-the-blue email seems innocent enough at first. But it soon becomes apparent that she's met this fan before, a long time ago, and what are the chances of it happening again? Must be about a million to one, right?
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome back to yet another new real world AU, my lovelies! And this time I have been triple dog dared by my magnificent girlfriend to let y'all know this is Based On A True Story*.**

 **Towards the end of this chapter you're probably thinking _the fuck is Love Potato?_ The short story is it's an invented anime. The longer story is it's a conversation we had about alternate realities, and I posited that out there in the infinite vastness of the multiverse there exists a version of our reality where things are exactly the same as here except that the single most popular TV show of all time is called Love Potato, and is about the fated love between a potato and a tomato. So. That is why I invented a show called Love Potato, and now meta'd it into this story. Because my girlfriend, as well as being awesome, is exactly the same kind of weird as me and alternate reality food love is a thing we talk about more than we probably should. Anyway.**

 ***as in, pretty loosely. At no point was anyone an actual professional musician, more's the pity. Dickhead exes are 100% acute though.**

 **Content Warning: Dad jokes, million-to-one coincidences, graphic fantasy death, implied non-graphic injury, fan fiction inside fan fiction. Oh the meta of it all!**

* * *

One day when she was seventeen Bonnibel Sugar would learn about the law of large numbers, how things that seemed impossible could happen simply because there were so many damn people on the planet doing so many things and interacting with each other in so many ways that sooner or later some almost-impossible connection would happen by pure chance. And she wouldn't completely understand it, not then, not for another few years. But the law of large numbers would come back to haunt her eventually and it would all be because of that time she'd yelled at Neddy from across the beach and caught the attention of an older girl.

Bonnie was six years old and her sand castle needed a flag. The day was hot and sticky, the air was tense with the promise of a hurricane that eventually made landfall in the early hours a few miles further north. But for that afternoon it was golden sunshine and palm trees and playing on the beach and waiting for Neddy to finish his snacks so she could use the wrapper for a flag.

"NEDDY! SAVE YOUR WRAPPER FOR A FLAG!" she yelled up the beach at him where he was sitting on a blanket with their mother. He probably didn't hear though, he was too busy eating his cookies and staring in fascination at the seagulls screaming overhead. But someone else heard.

"You can use seaweed on a popsicle stick."

Bonnie looked up in surprise at the accented voice that addressed her at the same moment the shadow of a bigger kid fell across her face. For a moment she was squinting against the sun and shadow before she made out a girl a couple of years older than herself with very long black hair held back in a braid and a purple and green swimsuit complete with a little frilly tutu around the waist. The strange girl plopped down in the sand and held out a damp piece of seaweed, shaking the saltwater from her braid and leaving dark droplets in an arc around her.

"Look, y'stick it on here and put it in the top of the castle like this." the older girl explained patiently.

"Thanks." Bonnie replied squeakily, still shy around the other girl who'd started to grin.

"Y'all talk funny." she giggled.

"So you do. Are you American?"

"Yeah. Are you from Canada? You got an accent."

"No, I'm from England." Bonnie replied with a shy grin. Nobody had ever accused her of sounding Canadian before. "I can read." she added proudly.

"I can read too, I like reading. I read to my dog, he's called Schwabl and he likes it when I read him bedtime stories. So if you're from England do you know the queen?" the bigger girl asked with a smile that wrinkled her brown nose and made her look really happy. Bonnie liked her, she decided. She liked the way the girl talked, it sounded like the people on TV, and she liked her long pretty hair.

"The queen lives in London and we're from Colchester, we only go to London for the airport and Christmas shopping with Grandma. My family are here on holiday, we came on the plane. I went to Disney World." she announced proudly, indicating her Little Mermaid swimsuit and Disney baseball cap. The bigger girl nodded happily like she had any concept of where Colchester was or who her new friend's grandmother might be.

"I went to Disney World too. We go every year. Daddy takes off with his buddies and me an Uncle Simon go on vacation together. HEY SIMON!" she finished at a yell, waving to an older man with a trimmed white beard and a floppy sunhat who was stretching out on a beach towel under the shade of a palm tree. He looked up from his book and waved back.

"Your uncle is old. He looks like Santa Claus" Bonnie giggled, kicking her little feet in the sand happily.

"Yep. He's exactly forty years older than me. He's not really my uncle though. Simon was friends with my Mommy before she died and went to Heaven. He makes me tater tots after school and we go to the park when Daddy's at work. I wish Simon was my Daddy instead."

They talked little girl nonsense and built a whole row of sand castles with seaweed flags and shell decorations as the shadows lengthened and the sun sunk lower in the sky. Eventually Simon wandered over with a change of clothes for his niece and two ice creams, one for her and one for her new friend.

"Come on then, darling. We'd better head back to the motel. What do you want to do for dinner tonight?" he asked, handing her a t-shirt to wriggle into before she was allowed her ice cream.

"PIZZA!" the girl shouted excitedly. Simon laughed.

"Alright, we'll go for pizza! Is your friend gonna be back here tomorrow?" he asked, turning his friendly smile to Bonnie and holding out the second ice cream for her. She took it with a polite "thank you" and a blush.

"Maybe. We're on holidays." Bonnie muttered with a shy grin.

"Well little lady I hope you're enjoying your vacation. Maybe we'll see you on the beach again. Come on, darling, let's get you showered before we head out for pizza."

"Bye!" the older girl said around a mouthful of ice cream, waving furiously and grinning from ear to ear. Bonnie waved back and watched her walk off hand in hand with her old uncle who looked like Santa Claus before turning and skipping back to where her Mum was packing up their blanket and wiping the sand off Neddy's feet before she put his little sandals back on.

"Oh, did your friend go home?" she asked distractedly. Bonnie nodded and her mother looked at her directly with a small frown. "Where'd you get an ice cream, Bon?"

"Simon gave it to me." the little girl replied defensively. "He looks like Santa Claus and he was really nice, he's taking my friend for pizzas tonight. He's her uncle but he's not really a real uncle, he was a friend of her Mum who went to Heaven. They've got a dog too. Mum, can we have pizza tonight?"

Her mother laughed and hoisted the backpack full of beach gear and their blanket onto one shoulder before picking up Neddy and holding her hand out to her daughter. They trooped back to their huge rented car and drove to their holiday villa the long way, making a detour by the fishing lake to pick up Bonnie's father.

"Dad, can we get a doggy and have pizza tonight?" Bonnie pressed as he was helping her out of the car.

"Honey, you'll never manage to eat both. If you have pizza tonight we'll get dog tomorrow, ok?" he asked with a big grin, obviously thinking he was very funny.

"Bonnie made a friend on the beach who has a dog." her mother supplied from where she was unclipping Neddy from his car seat.

"I see. Does your friend have a name?" Bonnie's father asked conversationally as the whole family trooped back into the villa. Bonnie shrugged, she hadn't actually asked the older girl's name, it hadn't occurred to her.

"Uh... She's called Jasmine." she replied after a moment's thought. In her six year old brain it made perfect sense; she'd met plenty of princesses at Disney World and the girl on the beach looked a lot like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. And she'd forgotten to ask her name anyway so it was the most logical guess she could come up with in the circumstances. And then she was busy helping her Mum get Neddy changed for dinner and washing the sunscreen off her face and by the time they came back from the restaurant Bonnie was exhausted and full of good food, she just wanted to go straight to bed. And that was the last she thought about the day she met Princess Jasmine on the beach for another fifteen years.

...

"Love Potato?"

"It's actually really good, if you just give it a go-"

"Bon. No. _Love Potato?_ Are you for real?"

"The title makes more sense in Korean!"

"I'm not watching a show called Love Potato! What's it even about?"

"Ok, there's this Potato Princess who rules the Root Vegetable Kingdom, it's less silly than it sounds, and she has these friends called Chips and Ice Cream who are sorta her errand boys and heroes, and there's this half plant-person werewolf character who's also kinda Ketchup who she has this whole, sorta, slightly homoerotic frenemies thing going on with-"

She broke off with a frustrated sigh when Jake just rolled his eyes and grinned at his brother over her head.

"It's got really deep themes!" Bonnie tried again, exasperated. "It's set in a post-apocalyptic future and it's all about love and loss and the nature of existence!"

"And the main character is a potato?" Finn asked sceptically.

"No, she's... sort of, a potato person? But she's really cool! And-"

"I'm putting on Heat Signature." Jake announced decidedly. Bonnie scowled but didn't argue; she knew when to pick her battles and she'd work on her roommates, get them to consider watching her slightly bizarre favourite anime another time when they'd sated their manly need for action movies. She accepted the bowl of popcorn Finn shoved at her with only a slight sulk and tried to focus on the dumb movie when Jake flicked the lights off and settled on the floor in front of them. It wasn't long before her attention wandered though.

At first she tried to follow the plot of the film, something about ghosts and a submarine and... something. But her phone buzzed in her pocket and Bonnie pulled it out with a happy grin. Aw yeah, alert email. She had a new review.

 _I loved this chapter really cute, you always write Cherrola and Rubesse so true to character, gah! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTERRRR!_

Bonnie rolled her shoulders in happy embarrassment and slid her phone back into her pocket. Yes, her taste in anime was weird. Yes, she wrote lesbian romance stories about those anime characters. No, her roommates didn't know. And she was perfectly happy to keep it that way. Introducing Finn and Jake to the concept of the Love Potato fandom... no, she'd die of embarrassment. Writing was her fun little secret, something she did when she was bored at her part time job or when studying got too intense and she wanted a break. And though she said so herself she was pretty good at it, too. At least, she had a few loyal readers and plenty of supportive reviewers who seemed to think she was worth spending their time on.

"Guys? I might fetch my laptop." Bonnie murmured after a few more minutes of nonsensical plot. Jake shot her a quick nod and Finn didn't even look around. Evidently he found the film gripping. She slid from her end of the sofa and tiptoed to her bedroom to grab her laptop and after a moment's indecision her earphones too. The boys wouldn't notice her music if she kept it just loud enough to cover the distracting noise of the film anyway. She settled back on the sofa and stealthily slid the earphones in once both guys were engrossed watching some explosive action scene. Bonnie opened her laptop, booted up her Word file and reread the last paragraph, trying to find her bearings with the story she was working on.

 _Cherrola tensed, face rigid in the breeze, and her nostrils flared at the faint scent remnants still hanging in the night air. This close to the full moon her senses were even sharper than normal and even with the wind in the wrong direction she was aware that something was subtly wrong._

 _"_ _Cherra?" Rubie asked quietly in a voice thick with anxiety._

 _"_ _Someone's been here." the werewolf whispered back. "Recently. Someone who knows how to use the air, someone who can hide their scent."_

 _"_ _Someone? You don't mean-"_

 _"_ _Other werewolves. Not the kind who only eat beef tomatoes, the kind who kill for fun. I... you shouldn't be around me. I'm dangerous." Cherrola cut her off with a harsh-_ Bonnie paused, she wanted to use the word 'whisper' but she'd already used that a line or two back. She chewed on her lip, staring into space and listening to the repetitive thump of her concentration music while she ran through possibilities in her head and finally decided on – _with a harsh sigh of frustration. She almost jumped when slender fingers lovingly tucked back a strand of fine crimson hair from her face. The werewolf turned to gaze into the trusting smile of her princess, so soft and hopeful, still believing she was anything but a monster; and her whisper of affection turned into a sharp gasp of horror. There behind Rubesse, not twenty paces from where they stood, three werewolves gazed calmly out of the darkness at them. And the moon was rising._

 _"_ _Rubie, run!" Cherra commanded, flinging herself forward and shoving the princess roughly out of the way even as her soft green tomato leaves began to harden and transform into razor sharp claws beneath the first rays of moonlight. It wouldn't be enough, she was alone and she had to keep all three of them at bay while Rubie escaped, she could do nothing but hope Chips had gotten her last desperate message before she lunged forward with a vicious howl as the transformation took hold._

"BONNIBEL SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK?"

She almost fell off the sofa in fright, she'd been so engrossed in her story. Finn was shouting to be heard above her music and the credits were rolling on the film and obviously she'd been caught with her headphones on breaking the first rule of Roomie Video Club. Again.

"What are you even working on?" Jake asked curiously, trying to peer over her shoulder at the screen. Bonnie snapped the laptop shut and glared at him.

"I'm writing up a description of for my period diary. I'm seeing if I synch up with the other girls at work. You wanna read what I have so far?" she asked slyly. Jake's face turned white.

"N-no thanks." he stuttered.

"Cool. Well. Sorry, but Heat Signature was dumb and I guessed the submarine crew were actually the ghosts about ten minutes in. So I got bored. Sorry. I'm gonna take this into my room and finish writing up. I'll be up late, I'm on graveyard shift tomorrow." Bonnie replied with a sigh. She was already halfway to her room and charitably ignored Finn's mutter of 'anti-social, much?'. Whatever, she had a werewolf battle to choreograph.

...

 _"_ _Come and wander with me,_

 _To a forest full of trees,_

 _We can journey through the woodland_

 _And live so happily..."_

Marceline sighed and flicked off her TV before the annoyingly jarring loud parts of the credits started. It was only eight in the evening in Seattle and in truth she was a little bored. Ash had her car so it wasn't like she could really go anywhere, it was too early to sleep and too cold to sit out in the backyard. She'd already exhausted her stash of videogames and now she'd caught up on the last episode of Love Potato along with a few other series she followed she was at a loose end. She scowled down at the dumb cast on her arm. Stupid broken wrist. She should have been getting ready to hit the stage and play the first support act for Within Temptation right about then but then a couple of weeks ago she'd lost an argument with a staircase and the Scream Queens had politely but firmly informed her they'd be looking for a replacement bassist. Marceline wasn't even mad with them, no reason for the rest of the band to miss their biggest gig of the year just because she was out of commission. But it was a special kind of torture to watch the minutes tick by and know that they'd be finished the sound check and opening the main doors to the crowd right then, Bongo would be tapping his drumsticks nervously against everything within reach, Keila would have taken over vocals and she'd be warming up by screeching tunelessly like always... And Marcy was sitting at home glaring down at her cast and hating the world and especially hating her bad karma and dumb lack of balance and her stupid boyfriend and- her stomach growled and she flung herself up off the couch to go raid the fridge. And her complete lack of any food. All there was in there was a six pack of Ash's taste in crappy beer, a couple of elderly apples and some sliced cheese. Apples wrapped in cheese was a meal, right? Sure it was, she reasoned. Probably not one that tasted any good but so long as there was something in her stomach she wasn't too fussy about bonuses like flavour. Marcy grabbed an apple and a couple of the cheese slices and retreated back to her couch fortress of solitude.

As predicted the apples and cheese were not a brilliant combination. But she was too hungry to care so she wolfed them down anyway before resuming her thrilling evening of staring into space and trying to not picture what was going on over at The Showbox. The band she'd invested years of her life in were performing the biggest show of their careers and probably schmoozing with industry professionals, it was difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed. She was pulled back from her reverie by the front door slamming; Ash was home and hopefully he'd brought real dinner.

"FOOD?" Marcy yelled without preamble in the direction of the hall.

"HUH?"

"DID YOU BRING FOOD?"

"BABE I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"FOOD, ASH! DINNER! PIZZA, BUGER, FRIES, _ANYTHING_. I'M DYING OVER HERE!"

"Uh, no? I only came back to change my shirt, I'm heading into town with the guys for some beers." Ash announced as he wandered into the lounge with his work shirt already unbuttoned and his blonde Mohawk mussed.

"Wow, thanks for including me in your plans." Marcy scowled. "What the hell am I supposed to do about dinner?"

"Whatever. Like you even wanna come along, you hate my friends. Buy a pizza or something, I dunno. You're a big girl, you'll figure something out. Don't wait up though cause I might stay at Darren's or something."

He disappeared into the bedroom and came back out a minute later pulling on a clean t-shirt. Marcy glared hard at his back as he disappeared again then as soon as he was safely gone she flipped the bird at him; no sense in actually insulting the guy to his face because she really didn't need yet another explosive row but she had to do something to relieve her frustration with him. And then Marceline remembered something awesome that Ash didn't know about yet. She pulled out her phone, dialled the local pizza delivery place and put the call on loudspeaker so she could swipe through her photos. Yeah, the one she'd taken of Ash's credit card was still there. Cool, she was getting pizza.

Once her order was placed and she was waiting for delivery Marceline turned back to the matter at hand; fixing her boredom. There was nothing good on TV and she wasn't in a gaming mood. She ended up on her laptop staring blankly at google wondering what to do. This never happened on TV, Marceline thought. How come there were never any episodes of Love Potato where the characters lazed around being bored and hating their busted bones? And then she had an idea.

She hadn't been on any fan fiction websites in years, not since she'd gotten over being horribly disappointed by the end of Harry Potter, but there wasn't much else to do so she found herself typing 'Love Potato fan fic Cherrola and Rubesse' into the search box. Marcy was surprised by the amount of results that came back and clicked on the first one curiously.

 _Sea Of Tranquillity by TwistThePinkTriangle, a Love Potato FanFic! A brutal murder. A false accusation. Now Cherrola stands to lose everything unless she can overcome her pride and accept the help of Rubesse Russet, the one person she'd hoped to avoid involving. But as the body count rises will their combined forces be enough to avoid the hangman's noose? A Potamo (Rubie/Cherra) pairing romance/horror fic, rated M for violence and girl on girl sex._

 _Chapter One: Tooth and Bone_

 _In the city a woman screamed. The rain was falling hard and even the tramps had abandoned their usual haunts in the darkened park. It was late and cold. There wasn't soul to be seen near the thin clump of trees by the lake. Without warning a girl tripped into a thin halo of weak light from a street lamp before stumbling blindly towards the road in blind panic. Across the street the hospital buzzed with the usual Saturday night traffic; drunks and revellers with broken glass ground into their wounds. The smell of blood was so hard to resist but the lights and the noise usually kept even the most determined predators hidden in the darkness. Not that night though._

 _The woman bled, the rain fell and nobody heard her broken sobs as she tried to pull herself towards the distant buildings. The sharp, rich scent of her blood mixed intoxicatingly with the delicious friction of fear and the predator inhaled deeply, driven half mad by the sweet anticipation of the kill. Slowly, almost lovingly, he crouched low over her semiconscious form and delicately took her head in his enormous mouth. So beautiful, such perfect smooth skin and cherry red lips. She made his heart ache with longing. He allowed a moment to appreciate the feeble flutter of her balled fists against his chest before he carefully pressed down with just a fraction of his strength. His teeth effortlessly pierced her skull and her hot blood and flesh begin to trickle into his eager throat. Nobody heard the slick crunch of jaws on bone, nobody even heard her scream. But they heard him cry his ecstasy to the sky. The song of the predator filled the darkness-_

Marceline almost bit through her own tongue with fright when a sharp knock at the door pulled her back to reality. She shivered despite the warmth of the room; she'd been completely engrossed in her story. Taking care to balance her laptop someplace she could still read and eat she got up and answered the door to the pizza delivery boy before hurrying back to the couch with her food and losing herself in the story again. Marcy barely even tasted the extra hot pepperoni deep pan. She was way too busy consuming every single word her new favourite author had gifted her with and planning the breathless review she was going to leave just as soon as she finished the next chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Heeere we are, chapter two! At this point I have literally no idea how long this story is going to be. Long? Probably at least ten chapters? Maybe more! Who knows? But I have plaaaans, so many plans!**

 **I'm glad y'all approve of my fan fiction within a fan fiction! It's actually a little bit of much earlier cannibalized writing I did for an original story that never really got going but I will probably rework some day because I just like the plot too much. But I will set in in the Himalayas during the time of the British Raj and make my hero completely different and the whole opening will have to be reworked, so it's safe enough to borrow that opener for the last chapter. I'm really getting weirdly into Love Potato, like, I have this whole idea of what Cherrola and Rubesse look like in my head? But a Cherrola is a type of tomato and both Rubesse and Russet are types of potato ^^ Because I'm just that level of nerd.**

 **Content Warning: slight references to mental health, Disney slash fic, verbal/emotional abuse, a thinly disguised Turtle Princess.**

* * *

It was without a doubt one of the more thoughtful and detailed reviews Bonnie had ever received and she found herself coming back to it over the next few days, rereading it and smiling to herself.

 _Hi, I just wanted to let you know how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE this story, I've been reading it all night and I'm finally caught up and NOOOO CLIFFHANGER! Poor Rubie, is she gonna recover? Does Cherra know who the other werewolves are? I feel like there's so much more to this that she knows about but hasn't shared yet! The tension you create between them is so real and relatable, I really get a strong sense of how conflicted Cherra is by her feelings and how much she hates the idea of ever hurting the only person who doesn't think she's a monster. I'm new to the whole Potama ship but I love it, please keep writing! This is hands down the best thing I've read in years._

It was signed with the screen name _Augmented4th_ and a quick stalk through her profile revealed she was an American college graduate with a Music major and apparently a boyfriend. That was something of a surprise; mostly Bonnie's readers were high schoolers or college kids and they were pretty much exclusively lesbian. But she wasn't going to get picky about who left her a glowing review.

The review came back to her mind at odd times and Bonnie found herself pulling out her phone in the middle of the supermarket to reread it while Finn agonized over which beer to buy, or composing a reply in her head on the walk into work. She'd replied to a good number of reviews on previous stories and only occasionally had it ever lead to a conversation with people. The few times it had had been nice but Bonnie wasn't sure if it was weird to private message people and thank them for reviewing her story. Was it? She felt like it might come across as a bit needy, but on the other hand she didn't like the idea that someone spent all that time reading her work and praising her and then didn't get an acknowledgement that she'd even seen their review. Maybe if it had been anyone else, but something about this Augmented4th girl made her curious. A straight girl who read lesbian fan fiction, who didn't really know the Potama ship at all but had, for some reason, chosen her writing to start with? Bonnie wasn't exactly underground, she was a pretty prolific writer, but she was also kinda niche. A lot of other writers in her chosen fandom seemed to stick with mainstream topics and the inevitable and often embarrassingly bad high school AUs. But Bonnie had grown up on the unusually diverse wave of fandom activity that had accompanied the end of the Harry Potter series, she saw no reason why she had to stop writing or move onto more 'serious' adult kinds of literature just because she was past twenty. Besides, it felt good to give something back to the community that had taught her awkward teenage self so much about the world when she'd been too introverted and antisocial to go out and explore for herself. So she wrote about complicated feelings and the sort of everyday relationship scenarios she thought her readers might find themselves in as well as the high fantasy original universe stuff. She wrote about commitment in long term relationships and the importance of consent and how it was ok to still be traumatised by things that had happened a long time ago, how a hug from your girlfriend sometimes _wasn't_ enough to get past someone trying to hurt you. Her stories might not be the most popular on the website and she'd yet to have anyone actually fulfill their promise and draw any fan art for her, but she was generally pleased with the number of readers who'd contacted her and told her how much they appreciated her work.

Bonnie thought all that and more as she trudged back from work in hammering rain, hood pulled up in a futile attempt to keep her glasses dry. And she worked on the next chapter of Sea of Tranquility and wondered if anyone who'd read it knew that the actual sea of tranquility was an area on the surface of the moon. One day someone would get that and they'd feel awesome for understanding the subtle reference.

 _Rain rain rain. It always rained, and really Rubie didn't mind that at all. She almost enjoyed the feeling of icy wind ripping the warmth from her skin because it made her appreciate when she was warm and dry all the more._ Bonnie narrated in her head as she walked. Her hands hung out of the pocket of her hoodie because she almost enjoyed the feeling of them being numbed by the wind and rain, it would make her feel so much cozier when she got to her bedroom and put the heater on. _The clouds swirling above and the weakening daylight washed everything in a muted grey palette, like somehow the colours had been sucked out of the world. Until, without warning, a flash of crimson red up ahead-_

Actually it was a bus and Jake disembarked right in front of her. Bonnie broke off from writing in her head to shout to him and they walked back home together.

"You ok?" Jake asked in concern as he unlocked the door. It hadn't escaped his notice that his friend seemed quiet and had been around a lot less than usual for the last couple of days.

"Yeah. I, uh, it's just a few Dog Days." Bonnie replied softly. She was still quite lost in her own head; 'Dog Days' was their agreed code for when her depression was bothering her a little. Jake nodded. He understood, they'd all gotten really drunk one night when they'd first moved in and opened way up and he was proud to be one of the chosen few Bonnie felt she could be her authentic self with. Everyone had problems, she wasn't alone in that.

"Go get your laptop and pillow. We're having a floor picnic." he told her decidedly.

"But-"

"No buts. Only butts. On the floor. Pillow, laptop, blanket. Go!"

It was impossible to keep the small smile off her face as Bonnie slouched into her bedroom to retrieve the floor picnic items. At least her roommates always knew how to cheer her up.

...

There was whistling coming from the kitchen and that was suspicious, Ash decided. Marceline hated mornings, he didn't even know why she was out of bed yet. For a moment he lingered in the doorway, watching the morning sunshine illuminating her skin as she her clumsily fixed some toast one-handed before he opened his mouth and making her jump.

"You're in a good mood."

"I know."

"Wanna tell me why?"

"No. You'll laugh at me."

Ash rolled his eyes; Marceline wanted to keep her dumb secrets then that was up to her, at least she'd stopped moping around about her stupid wrist and the band kicking her out. They weren't any good anyway.

"Whatever. I'm going to work, at least do the dishes today. This place is fucking gross."

He disappeared out of the kitchen without a backwards glance and Marceline casually flipped him off once the door closed. That had become her habit recently because it was less destructive than the arguments calling him stupid to his face would have caused. She took her toast through to the lounge, flung herself onto the sofa and pulled out her phone. Moments like this were rare and beautiful, they were a real event and needed to be treated with all the gravity such a situation demanded.

"My body is ready. Hit me." Marceline said out loud as she clicked to open the email.

 _You have received a message from: TwistThePinkTriangle_

 _Subject: Your review to Sea Of Tranquillity_

 _Hi! Thank you so much for the gorgeous review! I wasn't completely sure I should send a reply but you obviously put a lot of time and thought into your words, it's so nice to receive such well thought-out feedback! I'm so glad you like my story, I actually have most of the next few chapters finished if you want to proof read them for me? My last proofie had to drop out from lack of time, apparently she had too much work on with her finals. But if you'd like, just drop me an email address I can mail the chapters to and you can help me work out the places I've been stuck on._

 _It must be a little weird reading this for the first time if you're not into the ship, can I ask what made you pick Sea of Tranquillity to pop your Potama cherry? Not that I'm complaining! But I'm always curious what makes people pick out a particular story from all the others on the website._

 _Much love,_

 _Twist x_

Marceline blew out hard; she'd forgotten to breathe properly while reading. Proof for her new favourite author? Who, from what she could tell from the site bio and A/Ns, was a pretty cool girl from the UK and had a wicked sense of humour. Well it wasn't like she had a whole lot else to do right now, and it would be a fun way to waste some time while she waited for her stupid bones to heal. So, why not? She typed out a quick reply along with her email address and then proceeded to spend the rest of the day trying to distract herself in somewhat nervous anticipation.

Around four that afternoon Marcy's phone vibrated with an email and she opened it with a mix of nerves and excitement. Probably it was lame to be that into a story based on an anime she was kinda too old to like but nobody was around to judge her and it wasn't like she gave a fuck what anyone else thought of her anyway. She read through the email fast enough that she didn't take in all the information first time and had to reread it slowly to make sure the message made sense.

 _From: Bonnie P. Sugar_

 _Subject: Sea of Tranquility Ch12 WIP_

 _Hi it's Bonnie(Twist), please find attached the next chapter and feel free to send it back with any fixes/suggestions/amendments etc._ _I know I already said it but thank you so much for proofing this for me, I appreciate it more than I can say. Life is kinda busy at the moment, I'm working part time and studying and then the writing just sort of snowballed... it's hard to stay on track with just one story when I have a million plot ideas in my head._

 _So I was thinking, and I dunno if this is just dumb, but what about a real world AU where Cherra is a dog trainer and Rubie needs help with her problem pup? Does it sound too mushy or do you think it's something people would want to read? I've never actually owned a dog so I'm not sure how to write it._

 _And to answer your question, yeah some of my inspiration of Rubie is a little autobiographical, I'm also a lesbian science gardener ^^ I defy anyone who says that she's not queer, I mean... come on... even the writers have said Rubie and Cherra have an attraction. Anyway sorry I'm rambling, probably boring you. It's just so nice to meet another fan, I love getting to know my readers. I hope you enjoy the chapter and you have a good morning (Afternoon? Night? I can't figure out the time difference) x_

Marceline's afternoon just got a whole lot better, she thought to herself with a grin. She settled onto the sofa to read and carefully scan the document for any grammatical or spelling errors, feeling very proud of herself for being able to help. Looked like she was officially part of a fandom again, and an active one where people still discussed stuff and new material was still being produced. It felt good to be a part of that again, good to connect with people. Apart from the band she'd not really gone out or done anything in forever; Ash was the one bringing in the full time wage and until the band either made it or she gave in and got a part time job he decided what he was spending their money on. That nagging voice that sounded like Uncle Simon and said that Ash was a controlling psycho who treated her like shit tried to whisper to her again so Marceline concentrated harder on her reading to drown it out. Ash was a good guy, Ash provided for her while she chased her dream of being a professional musician. She was lucky to have him, she thought distractedly. Although maybe she could stand to be a bit luckier when the door opened to reveal her boyfriend glowering like he was in a terrible mood and looking about ready to punch something. She hadn't heard his truck pull up, she hadn't fixed the dishes and she hadn't started making dinner. _Shit._

...

On the other side of the Atlantic Bonnie yawned into her hand and glanced at the clock. It was two in the morning and she still had another three hours of her shift left. At least she was sitting with Lisa Turtledove, her best work buddy and also a closet geek. Lisa wrote Disney and Harry Potter fanfic; Bonnie had rumbled her one day because she'd looked over Lisa's shoulder and instead of updating caller details her friend had been industriously typing out _"Anna stopped and strained her eyes, trying to make out the outline of the man in the doorway. Her heart seized with sudden fear and a flush of deep, shameful arousal. It wasn't gentle, thoughtful Kristoff who'd come to visit her that night. It was Hans, and he had his riding crop with him."_ So, Lisa wrote kinky Frozen slash fic and that had been a hilarious discovery. Watching the blonde girl try to stutter her way through an explanation about how she wasn't into that sorta thing and she was just proofing it for a friend had been pretty entertaining but in the end Bonnie took pity on her and showed the other girl her own fan fic account. They'd followed and favourited each other's profiles just out of solidarity and every now and then Lisa spammed Bonnie's inbox with notifications that she'd posted twelve chapters in one go.

"How's it going?" Lisa asked quietly, turning away from her own monitor and sparing an equally exhausted smile for the redhead.

"Not bad. I did about... uh... Just a little over three thousand words tonight." Bonnie replied proudly. There was never enough actual work to do on the overnight shift, especially on a week nights, so she had plenty of time to write.

"Show off." Lisa muttered as she turned back to her own screen. "I managed eight hundred words so far and that's just the dialogue. You think I should make Anna pregnant at the end of this one and with no idea who the father is?"

"Uh, run me through the plot again?"

"She's sleeping with Kristoff but he's boring and vanilla and she feels so bad about cheating with evil Hans and she hates him but he just fucks so good she can't stop because he's a cruel sexy Dom and just being in the same room as him gets her so wet- why are you rolling your eyes?"

"Straight people." Bonnie muttered back, shaking her head in mock disgust. "Run that plot back through your head. And almost all of the major world religions say that it's us homosexuals who are going to hell? You are writing Fifty Shades Of Disney, you make my gay werewolf murder mystery look wholesome by comparison."

"Whatever. Don't you try to pretend lesbians don't like smut, I've seen your women's prison erotica on Netflix." Lisa replied with a grin. Bonnie was about to answer but her headset beeped with an incoming call and she sighed internally. That was the worst thing about her job; the patients.

It wasn't that Bonnie hated working in public health because she didn't. She had no strong feels about it either way. Most of her colleagues were either pretty ok like Lisa or at least left her alone while she typed furiously night after night. It was the constant expectation from the general public who rang up with general health questions that they were talking to a doctor who was also psychic and wasn't just a broke student who'd only taken the public health protection operator job because it paid pretty well and they were passionate about being able to pay the rent. And tonight was no exception.

"Can I take your name ple-"

"Listen I think I took the dog tablets by accident, is that gonna be ok or do I need to go to hospital?"

"Sir, if you just calm down, I need your details. What was the name of the medication?"

"The dog ones! The little white and blue ones for the dog!"

"Ok, so do you know what they're called?"

"Listen sweetheart, I'm not a fucking vet!"

And on and on it went. Bonnie usually tried to look on the bright side and remember that dumb people paid her bills but it was sometimes difficult to remember when she'd already been in work for nine hours and it was the third time that night someone had called her a stupid whore and slammed the phone down on her.

"Or you can just hang up on me, you rude son of a bitch. Urgh. Do I have to call this asshole back?" she asked Lisa in an undertone, quietly enough that their hot but unapproachable supervisor wouldn't overhear. Bonnie had a small and unrequited crush on their team leader, Shoko, who looked at the redhead like she was a piece of shit on the bottom of her shoe most of the time. As painfully single as she was even Bonnie wasn't stupid enough to try deluding herself that the other woman needed even the smallest excuse to make her life difficult.

"Better call him and endure the yelling, if Sho thinks you're skipping on a call she's gonna go ballistic." Lisa muttered back.

With a sigh and an annoyed roll of the shoulders Bonnie tried to mentally fortify herself for another screaming argument and dialed the caller's number. Her thoughts were all on her story and whether her new proof reader would be any good, if they'd had a chance to read through the next chapter yet and what they thought about it. That was most often what got her through nights, writing was rapidly becoming her favourite thing to do.

...

Marceline had not had a chance to read through the chapter fully. She was currently loading up her car and screaming at Ash and not giving a fuck that the neighbours were staring.

"THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" he bawled from the front door as she tried to open the car and fling her duffel bag into it one handed.

"I don't fucking know! Away from you! And you can make your own fucking dinner and wash your own fucking plates!" she yelled back.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING-"

She didn't hear the end of the angry yell because she'd slammed the car door shut, went to key the ignition and had to bite back and cry of pain at the agony stabbing through her wrist. _Fucking shitting fuck_. Ash was staring at her through the windscreen with his arms folded across his chest and a look of savage satisfaction on his stupid face. He'd known all that time when she was trying to pack a bag that she wasn't going anywhere, no way she could drive with her wrist busted up. And he'd still let her go through all the theatre of dramatically screaming at him and slamming the car door and realising she was stuck.

If her right hand hadn't been unusable Marceline would have slapped him back to the stone age. Instead she flung herself out of the car and rammed her way past him back into the house. Ash didn't bother following her to the spare room but she could hear him moving around in the kitchen and the smell of perfectly grilled steak wafted through a few minutes later. Even though she logically knew there was absolutely no chance of him cooking for anyone but himself a tiny emotional bubble that she'd been desperately holding onto burst half an hour later when she heard him start up the dishwasher. Ash knew she was injured and struggling, he knew she hadn't eaten all day and she was upset and he'd just made food for himself and ignored her. He treated her like a fucking servant and when she complained he ignored her or screamed at her. It was getting dark out and she suddenly realised there was no bed in the spare room, they'd never gotten around to buying one. The couch pulled out into a sofa bed but it was going to be hell on her wrist to try to fix it alone. And she'd rather sleep on the sidewalk than go into the room Ash was in. So instead she waited to hear the bedroom door close before sneaking out into the kitchen, grabbing some dry bread and her laptop then retreating back to the spare room. She'd sleep on the floor if she had to and when Ash went to work tomorrow she'd get a nap on the bed.

Marceline threw herself into reading the chapter through again while she nibbled at the bread and by the time she was done her anger at Ash had almost evaporated, she'd nearly forgotten he even existed. Her mind was sliding noiselessly through the moonlit trees with Cherrola stalking the fresh scent trail of the alpha werewolf, the one who'd been murdering the citizens of the Root Vegetable Kingdom and using her as a scapegoat. It _must_ be the Lord Of Werewolves but Marcy couldn't understand how he was still alive, Cherra had stabbed him with a silver dagger at the same moment he'd bitten her. She was burning with curiosity and eager to find out what happened in the next chapter. Did Cherra know Rubie was hurt? Had the potato woman been Turned, was she a werewolf now too? Or, and Marcy thought there was a pretty good chance of it, by the time Cherra caught up to them would Rubie have opened a surprise can of whoop-ass and kicked the living fuck out of her kidnappers? That Bonnie girl seemed far too smart to just write the obvious damsel in distress story line, surely there was a twist? And Rubesse was no wilting violet in the show either. She could handle herself. So Marcy was keen to find out what happened over the next few chapters, she was certain it would be a surprise whatever route the story took.

 _Hey, I looked through the chapter and guess what: I love it! The only thing I'd say is I noticed a couple of spelling errors and typos, just some basic stuff I fixed for you. And! Oh man! The tension! I'm on the edge of my seat here! I need to know what happens, does Cherra know that Rubie is missing still? Does Rubie know that Cherra is on the scent of the werewolves? And... wait... if Cherra is a werewolf too wouldn't she smell Rubie with the ones she's tracking? Unless Rubie isn't with them for whatever reason? PLOT TWIST! You must send the next chapter, pleeease!_

 _So I'm curious about what other plots you have in your head? I read some of your other one shots and stuff, I love them! Are you gonna do more real world AUs? I love the idea of Cherra being a dog trainer, I can see her being the sort of person who likes dogs better than people and Rubie being the sort of pretty Insta princess who takes her spoiled chihuahua out for puppuccinos in matching jackets and has flawless makeup and stuff. Ahh like an opposites attract sort of thing. Yes you should definitely write that, I can help if you want? I used to have a dog when I was a kid, I miss that stinky old furball._

 _How can anyone NOT ship Cherra and Rubie? How can anyone ship Chips with Rubie? Nooo. It's just wrong. Chips it too immature to be with anyone, he's an annoying tiny fuckboy. And it's night time here now, I hope you have a good morning (because you're eight hours ahead and the time difference isn't so hard really, if it's midnight here it's eight in the UK). Let me know when you have the next chapter ready, I'll be waiting!_

 _Marcy (Augmented4th) x_


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for the delay in posting, work has been hectic and I've not always been in the right headspace to write. I'm trying to force myself to do it anyway. I read someplace that it's better to depend on discipline than motivation since motivation can be so transient and elusive, so consider this my attempt to be more disciplined with my work. There are some Love Potato versions of AT characters in this chapter although it shouldn't give you too much of a headache trying to figure out who they are.**

 **Speaking of work, guess what? If you guessed 'Plesi had a call from the publishers and they liked her story so much they asked her to write another short for their anthology' then you guessed right! Double anthology submission, aw yiss. Honestly this probably sounds a little pathetic but it's the most exciting thing happening in my life right now.**

 **Content Warning: Partner abuse and revenge. Light mentions of very gross internet porn. And seriously, do not mess with medication or anyone else's food. This is only used fictionally as a remedy against extreme douchebaggery. Also criminal damage is not ok unless you are 100% certain you'll get away with it. What, I shouldn't be encouraging criminal acts? Listen to me, fanchildren. Some dickhead guy treats you like a slave, shoves you down the stairs, fucks up your career, _keeps on assaulting you_? Fuck. His. Shit. Up. Nobody deserves to live like that.**

* * *

"You still mad at me, babe?"

She ignored him. If it wasn't for the small frown that appeared between her brows at his voice Ash wouldn't have known she'd even heard him. And she was staring at her fucking phone _again_.

"Bitch, are you even listening? Go make me a sandwich, I'm hungry."

"Make your own. You know where the kitchen is." Marceline muttered to herself. Her eyes never left the screen, sweeping from left to right frantically like she was reading something desperately important. Ash saw red.

She didn't have time to move before he was slapping the phone out of her hand, sending her over the side of the sofa with it because he'd deliberately slapped her broken wrist and she let out an agonised yell. It wasn't the first time Ash had laid a hand on her in anger but this time was different, it was over something so trivial. And something clicked into place in her brain, something she'd been trying to avoid for so long. Ash was an asshole. An _abusive_ asshole, and someone who she shouldn't have let anywhere near her in the first place. Crippling Daddy issues would do that to a girl, though. Whatever, she figured. He was going to take his frustrations out on her? Fine. Marceline was going to fight back, only she'd be smarter about it. She picked herself up off the floor and went to the kitchen to begin making a sandwich for him without another word of complaint; slowly and painfully because she still couldn't move her broken wrist too well and it was like fire shooting up her arm from the force he'd hit her with. Then she went to the fridge and got a beer, then paused and listened. Ash had switched on the TV and she could hear the loading screen for one of his ultra-violent shooting games with a bare minimum of plot. Ok, so he wasn't listening to anything she was doing. Good.

Inch by careful inch Marceline slid the door of the medicine cabinet open as silently as possible and reached for the first aid box. She took out a leaf of anti-diarrhoea pills, popped three out into the palm of her hand and then when a particularly loud explosion from the TV offered some covering noise she snapped them all open at once and carefully poured the medicated powder into a glass. A little beer to dissolve it into went in next and when the powder was all gone she added the rest. The bitterness of the cheap alcohol would cover any residual medication taste and the much thicker than usual smear of hot mustard on the sandwich would ensure Ash downed most of it in with his food. Stage one of revenge was complete, now she just had to goad the stupid fucker into eating it.

"Hey, I think I put too much mustard on this. It's probably too hot for you, you want me to make another? Don't want you to burn your mouth." Marcy announced as she brought the sandwich and doctored beer into the lounge. Ash snorted and looked at her like she'd personally offended him, which was the reactions she'd been hoping for.

"You think I'm some kinda pussy? Give me the sandwich, I can eat mustard from the jar with a fucking spoon if I want." he scoffed, and grabbed it from her hand. Next second he'd rammed half the bun into his mouth and was trying to choke it down like the pig he was. Actually, Marcy considered, that was an insult to pigs. They were beautiful, intelligent animals. Ash was more like something that had just dragged itself out of the primordial soup.

"Bhr!" he choked out around his impossibly huge mouthful. She handed him the beer and watched with satisfaction as he chugged a decent third of the glass in one go before wiping his mouth and taking another bite of the sandwich.

"Is it ok?" Marcy asked in fake concern.

"Yeah, I can barely even taste the mustard." Ash lied.

It didn't escape her notice that his eyes were watering and he was beginning to sweat but he was the kind of guy whose masculinity was so fragile that he literally thought preferring less spicy food might make him a woman. And Ash definitely thought there was nothing more shameful than being in any way feminine. So Marceline had the double pleasure of watching him drink beer that was going to clog up his digestive system for days as well as force down food that was probably burning his throat because it made him 'more of a man'.

Marcy kept her mouth shut and her face blank of any triumphant grin that evening when Ash wriggled around uncomfortably in his seat and rubbed his gut for the third time in ten minutes. He got up and left the room muttering something under his breath about the bathroom and didn't come back until an hour later, red in the face and looking furious. Instead of sitting back down he went straight to the kitchen and when Marceline checked later there was an empty packet of laxatives in the trash. That was going to be a brilliant combination, a rock solid plug holding in what was basically a shit smoothie under high pressure. She almost felt sorry for him, but then she remembered the savage satisfaction in his eyes when he'd twisted her broken bones and made her scream in pain. And when she heard Ash rush out of his bedroom in the middle of the night and waddle straight to the bathroom she grinned viciously in the darkness of the spare room. The laxatives must have finally overpowered the constipation meds, she figured. It wasn't even really an overdose, three rather than two of those pills were the recommended treatment for severe diarrhoea so she wasn't risking anything so extreme as sending him to the hospital. This was just the beginning. She had three long years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse to pay him back for. After all, Marcy thought smugly, didn't Ash like to tell people he was a good Christian boy? And it said right there in the bible, 'as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them'. So he had nobody to blame but himself really. Revenge was beautiful.

...

 _Do you use Skype? xxx_

It seemed like an innocent enough question but it had Bonnie's heart leaping up into her throat when she read the message. She glanced up to make sure nobody had seen her open her personal emails; technically she wasn't supposed to be looking at anything that wasn't related to work unless she was on a break. Shoko was over at the printer muttering about ordering more ink, Lisa was typing away furiously next to her as she tortured the characters from Frozen in ever more fiendish and sexy ways and that creepy dude with the staring eyes who was way too friendly was in the break room.

 _Yeah, my username is GayPinkSciencePrincess. I finish at 5 GMT, you wanna chat then?_

Bonnie took a call from a woman worried her daughter's small nosebleed might be leukaemia, called a district nurse for an elderly man with a leaking catheter, got yelled at by some drunks and then-

Fuck, there was a new message in her inbox. She sucked in a breath.

"What's wrong?" Lisa asked, eyes never leaving her own screen.

"Nothing. I mean, not really much. Just this girl I've been talking to, and she wants to Skype. She seems really cool, you think I should go for it?"

"Mhm. Bout time you met a girl and stopped moping over Sho. She's unfriendly and weird, you only like her because she plays on your team."

"I don't _like_ her. I mean, yeah, I'm attracted to her? Physically. But she's just so... unfriendly. Aloof. But I dunno, this other girl is straight and lives in America. She's not exactly future wife material either."

Lisa 'hmm'd again and nodded but she was proof reading and it took her a while to answer. She did finally tear her eyes away from the screen after a couple of minutes, to find her friend staring glassy eyed at the back of Shoko's head again.

"You need to get laid." Lisa decided.

"Says you. At least my stories aren't wall-to-wall porn." Bonnie retorted quietly.

"Hey, not all my stories are porn. This one only has four sex scenes in it. Elsa finds out she was betrothed to the Duke of Wessleton as a baby and since his first wife died she's desperately trying to find anyone to marry before his ship arrives and he forces her into a loveless arranged marriage. In steps Kristoff, happily in love with Anna but willing to do his civic duty to protect his queen if he has to and now trapped in a love triangle with his girlfriend and her sister-"

"That's the worst one yet."

"The readers love it. Anyway, you write sickly lesbian werewolf potato romances. You need to get laid, Bonnibel. If it means buying a plane ticket to America then that's what you'll have to do."

"Pfft. Chance would be a fine thing. Anyway, she's probably hideous. And she lives with her boyfriend, even if he's cool with it I'm not down for that. Drop it, Turtledove. I'm already committed to dying alone and being eaten by my future cats."

"Or, you could tell our unsmiling team leader that you want to stroke her silky black hair and buy matching flannel shirts. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Her fiancée, who is huge and butch and muscular as hell, might break every bone in my body and leave me face down in the canal."

Lisa's brow furrowed and she snuck a quick glance around the side of their desk to the team leader's position at the top of the room. There on Shoko's left hand was a big shiny diamond set into a thin gold band. The woman in question looked up and glared; Lisa ducked back around to her own monitor hurriedly.

"How long has she been engaged?" she asked in a whisper.

"Like, three months? There was cake in the breakroom and everything, apparently it was super romantic and they were on holiday together. Her girlfriend got down on one knee on the beach at sunset and I'm just sitting here wondering how many cats I can adopt before I become one of _those_ lesbians." Bonnie whispered back with a small sigh.

"Three, any more than two and you start being _that weird lesbian_ , _you know, the one with all those cats?_ I wondered why there was cake. Why does nobody tell me anything?" Lisa groused as she turned back to her own writing.

"We do, people tell you stuff all the time. It's just that it takes a while for anything to penetrate your natural layer of thinking about your writing, you're worse than me." Bonnie replied fondly.

"Not a good enough reason to use the word 'penetrate'." Lisa muttered distractedly.

"Wait, did you quote a movie that wasn't Frozen? Have you even seen other movies? Since when?"

By the time Lisa registered her friend had said something jokingly insulting to her Bonnie's headset had beeped with an incoming call and she was busy assessing someone's stomach pain and grimacing around a graphic description of their vomit. The chunkier, sad-faced girl tried to get her friend's attention to flip her off but Bonnie was doing a good impression of being professional and completely ignored her while she tried to read the end of call care advice in a voice that didn't sound bored and robotic. And then Lisa got a call herself just as Bonnie was finishing up so they didn't get a chance to talk much more before the end of their shift, which was what the redhead had been aiming for anyway. She'd conveniently neglected to mention that she already knew what her new friend Marceline looked like; she'd used her own photo for the fan fiction website alongside her bio information. But the last thing Bonnie wanted to admit was that the American girl was just another in a long list of hot women who either weren't interested or that she'd never get the courage to actually talk to. Shoko was a case in point; at least Bonnie had exchanged more than five words with Marceline even if they had an ocean and most of the continental US between them. Still, she swallowed a little nervously when she opened the message still waiting in her inbox:

 _Awesome, we'll talk then! Looking forward to it xxx_

 _..._

 _There was no noise but the beat of his own heart too fast and loud in his ears and for a moment before the candle flickered with slight movement Icecream could believe he was alone in the cave. But his otter senses were too acute and when the flame jumped ever so slightly he threw himself out of the way before he even knew he'd moved. Cherra landed leaf-claws out against the rock floor where he'd stood an instant before and let out a furious snarl as the candle cartwheeled through the air and went out. Now she was illuminated only by the waning moonlight streaming in behind her and it was almost like he could see the shadow of the wolf around her own slender silhouette._

 _"Tell me where he is, Ice. Rubesse is in more danger that you know and I'm done playing games trying to find out what's going on. I don't want to hurt you but I swear if you don't tell me where I can find your brother I won't hesitate. You don't want to know what I'm capable of."_

 _Icecream shivered at the threat; he knew she wasn't in the habit of lying about anything that would protect Rubesse. But Cherrola had a look in her crimson eyes that wasn't completely sane, like not knowing if her princess was safe was some kind of unbearable torture for her. Like was was causing her physical pain, like she was going slightly mad. And that struck him as very similar to the way he felt about Dutchess Radiasus, how he'd been almost drowning in helpless panic when she'd gone into labour with their cubs. And that kind of terror for someone else, Ice knew it was born of deep love. He gasped, putting it all together. But that meant the princess, and a dangerous werewolf-dryad half breed..._

 _"You and her? You... love her? But, you're barely friends, you always fight! And Chips, oh man, he's gonna be heartbroken! He loves Princess Rubie too, he's-"_

 _She cut him off with a laugh that sounded more like her throat was ripping with repressed sobs than actual humour._

 _"Chips? You still give a fuck what he thinks? Wait, Ice- you don't know, do you? It's him, it's Chips! All this time I was trying to figure out how the Werewolf Lord was doing this and it was your own adopted brother, how could you miss that he'd been turned into a monster? That's why he was avoiding me, because he knew I'd recognise another of my own kind! It was Chips who murdered those women and framed me. It was Chips who had the princess abducted and sent you as far away as possible with false clues. He can't help doing what his forebear orders, he's not hurting her on purpose. But, oh hell, Ice, if we're both here and nobody's watching him- We have to go, we have to go now! He's taking her to the Lord, he doesn't know what he's doing! Rubie's life is in danger and I don't have time to explain, you have to trust me!"_

 _For a splitsecond Ice hesitated. Trust a werewolf over his own brother?_

Bonnie jumped in surprise when her laptop suddenly started playing music that after a moment she placed as an incoming Skype call. Her heart leaped back up into her throat again because she'd been so absorbed in her writing, she'd completely forgotten she was expecting to talk on camera Marceline. Bonnie patted down her flyaway hair as best she could and tried not to slouch, hyper aware she was wearing her oldest, comfiest pyjamas and quite possibly had biscuit crumbs around her mouth. Then she gathered as much courage as she could and hit 'answer call'.

For a moment the screen was blank and there was nothing but the quiet static of two microphones connecting, then a pixelated image appeared, jerky at first and indistinct until it resolved into a very cute Persian looking girl with extremely long black hair and a slim grey vest shirt smiling at her. Bonnie almost forgot to breathe; that profile picture really didn't do the other girl justice.

"Hey." Marcy greeted her easily, like she wasn't full of social anxiety at talking to someone very new.

"Hi." Bonnie replied a little squeakily. She didn't know what to say, she was just staring at the screen and the pretty girl smiling back at her. In fact Marceline was wearing a grin that managed to be both infectious and excited.

"So, hey, this isn't awkward, right? I finished reading the last chapter of Sea of Tranquillity for you, I sorta need to know what Cherra's sudden revelation was and where she dashed off to. Whose sock did she find, who did she smell? I mean, I guess that was the werewolf who framed her? You can't leave it on a cliff hanger like that!"

Skipping all the weird small talk and just heading straight to the nerdy fan fiction? Yeah, Bonnie could definitely go for that. She smiled back in relief and settled in for a conversation about her story.

"Ah, spoilers. I've just been working on the chapter actually, I think you'll enjoy it. It's the last person you're expecting."

"Oh my God, is it Tarragon Valet?"

"No spoilers!"

"Stone Tsar!"

"Wait, how would it be Stone Tsar?"

"I have no idea, but it could be."

"Wouldn't his enchanted coronet keep him from being turned into a werewolf?"

"I dunno but since you don't either I guess it wasn't him. So, where do we stand on Tarragon Valet?"

And it was easy, deceptively easy, to talk to Marceline about her favourite show. Then about her job and all the dumb people who called for medical advice for stupid reasons, and how she sat next to Lisa and they both wrote, about Shoko and how she only noticed Bonnie existed if she was looking for someone to frown at. They chatted about Ash and what a douche he was, how Marceline was exacting petty but satisfying revenge on him while she secretly tried to find somewhere else to live. Bonnie didn't notice the sun come up, she didn't notice Finn and Jake waking up and moving around their own rooms. It was past ten in the morning when her increasingly frequent yawning finally grabbed Marceline's attention and they said a reluctant goodbye. Bonnie lay down to sleep with a smile on her face but she had a thought and before she let herself rest she grabbed her phone and sent one last message to Marcy.

 _You remind me a lot of Cherra though, especially since she's an artist with a dumb ex-boyfriend and being a musician is kinda like being an artist. You're not secretly a werewolf, right?_

Less than half a minute later her phone lit up with a reply.

 _If I was a werewolf my stupid wrist would have healed instantly. Go to sleep, dork. I already feel bad for keeping you up all morning. We'll talk again soon?_

Yeah, they'd talk again soon. Bonnie slept, and dreamed about beautiful, troubled werewolves with their wrists in a cast. But instead of producing dazzling oil paintings to purge their deep emotional problems these werewolves played the bass guitar and had silky looking black hair. Maybe they were Shoko, maybe they were Marceline. And just maybe there was a princess somewhere in there too, eager to hear the music and with a definite type for the kind of woman she was attracted to.

...

"Day three, it's almost two in the morning and I've started a video log for Operation Fuck With Ash. You know what he did today? Not only did he deliberately twist my broken wrist around _again_ , he confiscated my pain meds because he didn't want me to 'get addicted'. I have a broken bone that he probably just broke even more, and he's concerned for my health? Whatever. Besides, I found a place to stay for now. I don't want to say where in case he gets hold of this video and decides to try for some payback. Tomorrow Ash is heading off for a week partying in Las Vegas with some buddies and he thinks he's leaving me home alone. But I won't be here for long, just enough to put my plan into action. Wait, you hear that? That's the sound of my dickhead soon to be ex-boyfriend running to the bathroom because I keep lacing his food with either laxatives or anti-diarrhoea meds depending on what seems funniest at the time. If he just got off his ass and fetched his own beers he wouldn't be suffering like this but Ash likes his women to be basically his slaves. Well, this slave is emancipating herself tomorrow."

Marceline watched through the whispered video she'd filmed on her phone with intense satisfaction. Ash would be boarding his plane any time now and he'd been given a final dose of anti-diarrhoea meds before he left, just to make sure he was plenty uncomfortable for his flight. Keila was on her way over in a cab with the boys from the band and they were gonna load all of Marcy's stuff into the back of her car and drive her over to Bongo's Mom's place where she was very kindly being allowed to stay in the spare room until she found a job and someplace to move on to. It was more than Marceline had ever anticipated, she'd really thought that she would have to move all the way across the country back to Simon's shabby little house in Valdosta or even worse, her father's place. To say she and Hunson didn't get on would have been the understatement of the century.

The doorbell rang and pulled her from her reverie. The Scream Queens had arrived, eager to get some revenge on the guy that they all blamed for ruining their big chance. A huge argument with Ash had been involved in the broken wrist incident and Marceline had heard from Keila afterwards that their replacement bassist for the support gig had fucked up badly and ruined their chances with the studio talent scouts.

"Ten kilos of alfalfa seeds." Bong announced proudly when she opened the door.

"Garden hose and an old fashioned land line phone." Kelia added with a huge grin.

"And the dirtiest porn I dared search the internet for without getting into something illegal." Guy finished. "Why'd I get the porn duty?"

"Because you're gross. Come on in, I tried to pack but it's tough with a busted hand. And after this we're all going for the fanciest meal we can find, courtesy of Ash's credit card. Even if he has noticed his emergency card is gone he can't do shit about it from the airplane, can he?" Marcy replied as she led them into the apartment.

"That's theft." Keila pointed out, although she didn't sound too worried about it.

"Technically, if you ignore that my name is on the bank account too. But the guy shoved me and caused me to fall down the stairs, breaking my wrist in the process. He stole my only cherished toy from childhood, sold it in a yard sale and bought a fucking World of Warcraft collectible with the money. I tried to forgive him, I tried to tell myself I was lucky to have him. And you know what? I'm not. It doesn't work, because Ash is a crap sack and as soon as I stopped trying to force myself to love him I realised how much I hated him. You know when I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed he just ignored me? And when my period cramps were so severe that I fainted he just stepped over me on his way to the kitchen and then yelled at me. I know for certain he cheated on me at least five times, when I was working and he wasn't he took my money and never paid me back, he spent almost all his time telling me how stupid and useless I am. He deserves this."

The longer Marceline talked the paler her friends' faces grew and she suddenly realised she'd been venting for far longer than was socially acceptable. And that her former band members were the first people apart from Bonnie a few days earlier that she'd admitted even half of that crap to. If she didn't have the band she'd probably be completely isolated. Stuck alone with Ash and no chance of escape; it was as sobering a thought as it was terrifying.

"We didn't know." Bongo said softly, laying a comforting hand on her good arm. "Next time I see him, he's gonna be the one with broken bones."

Marceline shook her head sadly. As tempting as that sounded she had more intelligent revenge in mind.

"As much as I wanna see you kick his ass this should be enough. This and the video, he knows if he comes after me I have plenty of evidence on him and I'll have him arrested and he'll never get to join the air force. In fact that'll probably happen if this video goes viral after I upload it online. Come on, let's get started."

With three extra pairs of hands it didn't take long to pack her belongings into boxes and carry them out to the car. Marceline owned a pitifully small amount of things, just a few books, a laptop, some clothes and her bass. Then came the fun part. She switched her phone camera on to record their masterpiece.

"Day five, my last day here. I have ten kilos of alfalfa seeds. I have a garden hose long enough to reach anywhere in the apartment. I have my tech monkey disabling the screen saver on Ash's brand new sixty inch TV and a flash drive with some really unpleasant pornographic images on it. And I have a land line, remember those? Turns out, we still have an outlet for an old fashioned wired phone. And those pre-recorded premium rate lines still exist. You know, those five dollar a minute lines where you listen to a bunch or recordings of bored sounding women talk about sex? I wonder how long you can stay connected to one of those and what the phone bill might be if it goes a whole week? Five dollars a minute for a whole week of minutes... that's a lot of money, right? Bongo, how's that screensaver disabling going?"

"All done. Just pausing the video clip now, that's gonna burn right into the screen by tonight."

Marceline stuck her head around the lounge door and glanced at Bongo's handiwork; yeah, that was disgusting.

"For the benefit of the camera, since I'm not showing it on screen, my abusive ex-boyfriend's huge new television has just been desecrated by the image of a short, hairy naked guy rubbing out a quick one using a steaming bowl of fresh crap as his masturbatory lubricant. The only thing he has on are My Little Pony socks. No way is Ash gonna be enjoying any videogames or movies on that, not without it being overlaid by the image of a naked Brony with a scat fetish getting his rocks off. And for the final touch, remember I mentioned those ten kilos of alfalfa seeds? Cool thing about alfalfa, it sprouts real quick. So if you're away for say, a week? And your ex-girlfriend gets revenge by scattering them over every surface in your apartment and watering them? By the time you get home those shoots are gonna be ankle high already and the roots will have wormed their way into every single bit of fabric or soft furnishing that you own. Hey Ash? Next time you decide to assault someone, push them down the stairs, ruin their career because you prefer them being your stay-home housewife and then repeatedly try to re-break their wrist, you should remember this. Thinking about contacting the police? Sure, I'll see you there. Bring a good defence lawyer because if you pull me up for criminal damage I'm gonna hit you right back with assault and battery. Have a nice life, asshole."

She shut off the video, grabbed the last handful of alfalfa seeds and scattered them behind herself like celebratory confetti as she followed her friends out to the car. Marceline didn't even remember the last time her shoulders had been so relaxed or what it was like not to carry around that fear and tension every single moment. It felt a lot like finally being set free.


	4. Chapter 4

**Look at me, updating this story for the first time in forever! I admit, this has been quite the hiatus. As previously mentioned life has been metaphorically kicking me in the balls of late and I'm slowly trying to get myself back into regularly updating. Yes the word count is a little light compared to usual but I'm still proud of how this chapter turned out. For my wonderful girlfriend, who has been a source of constant love and support especially through the days when I struggled to get out of bed.**

 **Notes on this chapter: really there aren't many. I'm enjoying writing Love Potato as a parody of Adventure Time but honestly, I wish I'd picked a better name for it. Hindsight is always perfect though, isn't it? FYI none Brits, London is a good place to visit. Less smelly than Paris (sorry, France), less expensive than Tokyo (but then where isn't?). If you're wondering, a fairly detailed tourist description of London is in the works in this story eventually.**

 **As ever, I'd like to thank my readers for being such awesome and supportive people. I love you guys.**

 **Content Warning: Parodies, Straight Boy Logic, crappy dates.**

* * *

The screen went dark as the episode ended and Bonnie switched the TV off, turning to Finn with a grin.

"Well?" she prompted when he continued to stare thoughtfully into space.

"So… the tomato woman is a salad-demon-thing, but also a werewolf?" he asked slowly.

"Yeah, there's a whole episode of backstory explaining it in a later series. Her mother was a human but her father is the Green Man. You know, the pagan embodiment of seasonal renewal? He's literally made out of foliage. He rules the forest kingdoms and he's a chaotic trickster. They don't get on. So, plant-based father, human mother, half-plant half-human daughter. Who then got bitten by a werewolf. You follow?"

"So she's basically Poison Ivy." Finn nodded.

"Not in any way at all. But if that helps you understand, then I guess." Bonnie shrugged.

"I just don't buy her as a main character though. Ice and Chips should have been the main characters. It'd appeal a lot more to guys if they didn't give it such a girly name, too. I mean, _Love Potato_? It should be... I dunno, Escapade O'Clock With Chips and Icecream! That sounds way cooler."

"How is that in any way cooler?"

Finn just shrugged again. She waited for him to continue but he didn't so she nudged him with her shoulder.

"So?"

"So... what?"

"What about Potama? You see why I ship it?"

"Potama… so, the potato girl-"

"Rubesse."

"-yeah, she's super into the tomato-werewolf? And the werewolf digs her too but because it's a kids' cartoon the writers keep covering their obvious relationship under a heap of straight subtext? Nah, I don't buy it."

Bonnie stared at her friend, at a loss for how to reply.

"But, it's canon, they used to date. And there's even that part where in the background of Cherra's house there are paintings she's done of the two of them together." she tried.

"And? There are photos of me and Jake hanging out, it doesn't mean we're a couple. Ew. Besides, I think the potato girl would be better with what's-his-name. You know, the little herby guy." Finn replied with a grin. Oh, so he thought he was being sly?

"You don't legitimately ship Rubesse and Tarragon Valet!" Bonnie accused with narrowed eyes.

"I don't ship anyone! I didn't know shipping was even a thing until you insisted I learn about it! It's a _cartoon_ , Bon. It's a kids' cartoon about a potato golem who lives in a palace made of fries and a human boy called _Chips_ which is the American word for crisps which are _made from potatoes_ \- it's not worth putting this much thought into it!"

"In between work, writing, studying and trying to fight through the occasional times when my brain doesn't want to person anymore? It's a nice distraction. And just because a world is intended for one audience doesn't mean it can't appeal outside of the bell-curve demographic. It's obvious from the depth the writers put into it that they always knew they'd have adult fans."

"Why'd you have to make it gay though?" Finn asked.

"Why do you assume everything is straight by default and that just because something's aimed at a younger audience they won't be able to handle anything with a queer plotline? I knew I was a lesbian by the age of ten. What makes you think kids growing up gay don't need representation?" she shot back, beginning to get angry.

"It's just a cartoon, Bonnie. Stop overthinking it." Finn sighed as he stood up from the sofa.

He wandered off to his room and Bonnie glowered after him. Sometimes Finn was just so relentlessly straight, she wondered how she'd even managed to become friends with him in the first place. But it had apparently been a date. She hadn't realised that when he asked her out for coffee and then suggested they head on to catch a movie that he'd ever read her as straight or remotely interested in him. Luckily he'd just laughed about the mixup and they'd continued hanging out as friends but it was just so typically Finn, assuming the whole world was straight and there to please him until someone pointed out differently. And his reaction to her favourite cartoon was tediously predictable. She'd have had more luck getting Jake to watch it first. But the older brother was spending almost every evening with his new girlfriend Lady, and Bonnie had had more than one moment of regret at playing match maker with them. Then her phone buzzed with an incoming message and a huge grin lit her face. Forget Finn and his dumb straightboy assumptions. She had a Skype date with someone who definitely appreciated Love Potato the way she did.

 _You free to talk? I can't sleep._

...

Somewhere between her new and annoying job working the drive-thru at a local fast food place, trying to work the stiffness out of her still healing wrist and sometimes even managing to get a night's uninterrupted sleep, talking to Bonnie had become the highlight of Marceline's day. She'd wake at midday, read through the email the redhead always sent like clockwork every morning, compose a reply then wolf down a little breakfast before rushing out to work. It was usually late when she got back to the tiny basement room Bongo's mom was letting her use and more often than not she'd sit up for a few hours video chatting with the redhead and laughing quietly so their conversation didn't wake the rest of the household.

It was never difficult to think of something to talk to Bonnie about. They discussed Love Potato fan theories and planned new stories, or just laughed about the dumb members of the public they both had to spend hours at work dealing with. And as the weeks began to roll by the video calls became a daily ritual and Marcy found herself thinking about her new friend more and more. Something funny happened at work and she made a mental note to tell Bonnie later that night, or she'd have an idea for a story and needed to ask her favourite author what she thought of it. She even suffered through listening to Bonnie wax lyrical about her work crush, the hot but aloof and obviously stupid team leader Shoko. Marceline liked Shoko less and less the more she heard about her and she couldn't quite put her finger on why, exactly. Was the girl _blind_? She had the most beautiful woman in the world sitting _right there_ staring at her with those incredible blue eyes and she chose to shack up with some random body builder? It made no sense to Marceline at all. And then one morning she woke up to a notification on her phone letting her know she had an email from Bonnie and she grinned sleepily. Probably the first draft of the new real world AU the redhead was working on, a time-travel story with a lot of meta elements they were developing together. But when she opened the email her drowsy smile slid down into a frown.

 _Hi! I'm not gonna be around to talk tonight, sorry. I've got a date! I was talking to this girl online and she asked me out for coffee! Exciting, right? Anyway I don't wanna jinx it but she seems nice, I'll let you know all about it when I get home._

It took a long moment of agitation for Marceline to put a name to the bubbling nausea and heat that churned through her stomach as she read through the message over and over, trying to find any explanation that she'd missed the first half dozen times her eyes had scanned the words. _Jealously_ , that was the word. She was jealous. Bonnie had a date and had only just told her? Bonnie was talking to other girls online which she guessed she should have seen coming but it still felt like she'd just received a heavy blow to the head. It was- _of course_ the redhead had no idea that she'd only been wish Ash because she'd been trying to fit what everyone expected from her, hadn't Bonnie said one time way back when they'd first started talking that she'd been surprised a straight girl was so into her stories. And Marceline belated realised that the redhead had meant her, that she'd never actually bothered with a big coming-out fuss because nobody cared. Simon already knew, had known since she was twelve years old. Hunson couldn't possibly be more disappointed by her than he already was, she could have been dating a genius billionaire who was going to cure cancer and he wouldn't have invited them home for the holidays. And the guys from the band had just rolled their eyes and told her they'd already figured as much when she'd been more than prepared to fight them on the lyrics to a song she'd written that were obviously about queer love. Everyone she cared about in the whole world already knew she identified as a lesbian, except for Bonnie. And Marceline couldn't put her finger on why that bothered her so much. It just did.

It was a long shift at work flipping burgers and hauling bags of frozen fries around, at one point she ended up covered head to toe in strawberry milkshake and had to deal with so many rude customers it wasn't even funny anymore. And the rest of the staff noticed Marcy was only half there anyway. They could see the faraway look in her eyes and the detachment in her voice even when she was rinsing strawberry flavoring out of the end of her ponytail. In her mind's eye she was walking along the dark streets of London, just the way she had when she'd looked it up on Google maps so she'd have an idea of the areas Bonnie was talking about. There was the redhead's apartment building, set back from the road in it's own run down garden area looking like a frosted palace to her foreign eyes. Bonnie had explained it was just an old fashioned building that had seen better days but t Marceline it looked like something from a fairy tale. And the traffic would rush past on the wrong side, little rounded black cabs and huge red buses and those tiny compact cars that Europeans always drove. The streets would be washed with thick orange light from the streetlamps, so much harsher than the soft golden glow of the lamps in Seattle. The store fronts would display prices in pounds not dollars and be full of strange foods and products she'd never seen before. And somewhere in the middle of all that there would be a coffee shop where a redhead would be laughing over a drink with some girl Marceline hadn't even known existed until that day. More than anything she ached to go and see those places for herself and hear the city noises and eat strange new foods and explore it all with Bonnie as her guide. Travelling the world had never seemed like such an interesting thing to do before now and suddenly she found herself wondering what else was out there, if there might be more to life than bitterly wishing her wrist would heal and trying to make it back onto the northwest music scene. If the date was going well, if Bonnie was going to see the other girl again.

"Marceline, you're not going home? You know we're not paying you overtime tonight, right?"

The manager's voice pulled her out of her reverie and Marceline glanced up at the clock; she should have finished her shift fifteen minutes ago.

"Sorry, TT. Guess I lost track of time." she admitted with a shrug.

"Go on home and rest now, shower the last of that milkshake off yourself. There's some leftover chicken in the back if you're hungry." the older woman replied with a knowing glint to her eye. TT was a veteran of almost every kind of restaurant business it was possible to work in, she'd spent most of her life around teenagers and young adults and she knew the look of someone who was lovesick when she saw it. "You know you can always talk to me if something's bothering you, right?"

"I know." Marcy replied, although she didn't meet the older woman's eyes. She was halfway out of the staff exit with her jacket slung across one shoulder when she stopped and turned, gaze more direct and present than it had been all night. "Hey TT? You've been around the world, right? You ever go to London?"

"It's been a long time, but yes, I visited London when I was younger. Why do you ask?" the older woman replied, although she wasn't really expecting a satisfactory answer.

"Nah, just, I know someone out there. Wondered if it was a good place to visit. Doesn't matter, see you tomorrow."

Marceline was gone out the back door before TT had a chance to say anything and the older woman was left to frown thoughtfully after her. Well a transatlantic romance wasn't anything new, those had been going on ever since there was an America for young idealists to be from. And with the internet and air travel and everything else these days there was more and more movement between the continents, hell even a few of her own friends had met their spouses overseas and she was coming up retirement age. TT shook her head and went back to preparing the kitchen for the shift coming in next morning; whatever was going on with her enigmatic new hire she just hoped it turned out well.

...

The door slammed and made Jake look up from his video game. It wasn't like Bonnie to be loud at that time of the night, she'd befriended their neighbours and wanted to stay on good terms with them for whatever strange reason. But the redhead had already strode through the lounge and disappeared into her bedroom before he'd had a chance to open his mouth and ask her what was up. He exchanged a look with his brother who just shrugged and shook his head.

"She had a date tonight, don't ask me. You know I always screw up that kinda stuff." Finn said regretfully.

"Fine, I'll go. If I come back and you beat my high score though-"

"You'll whine about it like a little bitch, I know." Finn finished for him with a grin. Jake scowled but stood and crossed the room to their roommate's bedroom door anyway before knocking and being asked to enter.

Bonnie's room was like every stereotype of every girl's bedroom in every chick flick Jake secretly loved. It was messy and colourful, there were posters of unicorns and fairies on the walls, there was a huge makeup mirror surrounded by lights that he sometimes snuck in and used to sculpt his beard because it was far superior to his own mirror. Even the bedspread was covered in pink stars and prancing kittens, it was relentlessly girly. So walking in and finding a heap of aesthetically ripped dark clothes on the end of the bed was disconcerting; Jake wondered for a second who'd been changing in there because those clothes were nothing like his friend's usual style.

"Punk. That's a new look for you." he started by way of greeting before sinking down into the rickety chair at her cluttered desk. "So I guess the date went badly?"

"She didn't show. No reply to my emails or texts. I guess she took one look at me and ran." Bonnie replied from where she was sitting curled up on her bed with her knees drawn protectively up to her chest.

"Or she had some sort of emergency?" Jake added.

"Or she came to her senses and decided on anyone else in the world but me. Face it, dude. I'm going to die alone. I'll finish studying, get my own place and adopt fifteen cats. I didn't even really want to go along tonight anyway and then I sat there on my own in Starbucks like a loser for two hours nursing a latte and trying to pretend I wasn't staring at the door every thirty seconds. She probably saw what a nervous wreck I was and noped the fuck out of there."

"Or, or, she got caught up in some crazy action drama. Like a film. Right now she's probably pinned down by covering fire trying to figure out a way to use one of her gadgets to get away from the terrorist splinter cell she's been tracking for weeks so she can let the rest of the secret service know that they have an anti-matter bomb they're going to blackmail the global governments with. Probably in a cocktail gown." Jake grinned, warming to his theme.

"You do know the difference between real life and a James Bond movie, right?" Bonnie asked. Despite her sharp tone of voice he could see the corner of her mouth starting to twitch upwards into a reluctant smile.

"James Bond isn't real?" Jake gasped in mock horror. "Next you'll be telling me you're not actually Kim Possible!"

There it went, she couldn't keep back the grin and laugh at that. Jake grinned too, glad he'd been able to cheer his friend up. He remembered only too well the terrors of being on the dating scene. Every single day since he'd walked Lady home from the movies and given her their first goodnight kiss he'd been glad he was out of all of that. Bonnie had been single too long, he worried she was staring to lose faith in people completely.

"Am I doing something wrong?" the redhead asked quietly, much more open and vulnerable than he was used to. "Every time I meet a girl I like something's up with them. They've just gotten engaged, they don't show for the date they asked me on, they're straight and live on the other side of the world. Even when I went to a lesbian bar all I got was a bunch of drunk straight girls telling me how I don't look gay. Are all women this hard work or just the homosexual ones?"

"In my experience, all women. It's not any easier being a straight guy you know, there's just a lot more women who are potentially gonna screw with your head. Rejection is just part of the game, and even when you've gotten a girlfriend it's not like in movies. It can't all be about huge romantic gestures and roses and wine. Most of the time it's about eating mac n cheese on the sofa and wondering if it's too early in the relationship to fart in bed."

"I've had girlfriends before." Bonnie muttered, although she was avoiding his gaze with a tell-tale flush on her cheeks.

"I know, I was just saying. You wanna wear face masks and watch Legally Blonde with me? I bet we can convince Finn to let you straighten his hair." Jake added with a grin. Normally spending 'girly' time with her guy friends cheered Bonnie right up but tonight she just shook her head.

"No, thanks though. I was just gonna change for bed and see if Marcy's finished work yet." she replied, already looking down at her mobile and wearing that same private smile Jake had noticed more and more often on his friend's face.

"That American chick you've been talking to, right?"

"Yeah, she should be finished soon and I told her I couldn't talk but she finished at three, that was like half an hour ago over there, and I thought since I'm not doing anything after all she might want to cam and talk Love Potato."

"Huh. Ok, have fun. Just remember, this is real life. Not a John Green novel. Lots of sofa sitting and bed farting, very little dramatic kissing on a cliff in the rain."

"I know, you're boring and your relationship is boring and you don't believe in romance. Go play your games and let me at least pretend this is something exciting." Bonnie replied after a pause. She was already smiling distractedly at her phone, he got the impression she'd only really listened to half of what he'd said.

With a sigh Jake got up and returned to his game. If Bonnie had only really listened to part of his advice he hoped it was the bit where real life was mostly mundane and comforting in its predictability. But from the look in her eyes he worried that the redhead was already picturing herself on a dramatic cliff in the rain kissing a certain someone with waist length black hair and a soft, southern American accent.


End file.
